This is my project right now...processing a serious case of separation anxiety. Miles left this morning for a week long hiking trip in the Adirondack mountains with a handful of members from his youth group. It's his first big trip away from home...and it is literally, a week in the wilderness. I think it's an amazing opportunity and I am incredibly excited for him. On the flip side of that, it has also kicked my mother bear instinct into serious overdrive...let's just say that I look alright in appearance, but I am a big screaming mess on the inside. Assisted most helpfully by a raging case of pms, I have been struggling since this past Wednesday to absorb and recover from the emotional tidal wave that knocked me off of my feet when I dropped him off. This trip is based in CT through the church that M attends with his dad, stepmom, little brother and sister. I've been keeping myself in the loop through e mail exchanges and phone calls with the group leader and then this past Wednesday, I took the day off and volunteered to help with driving during the group's team day out. It's the first time that I've had the opportunity to drive all the way out there and spend time around the folks that M is with on his weekends in CT. It felt great to meet everyone, see where M's dad's house is and to represent myself in person. It was a really good day and it helped put me a little more at ease about this trip. The group leader is awesome and so are the kids who are taking part in this adventure. Miles will be in very good company. So when the time came to hug my boy and send him on his way, I held on tight and tried not to cry so as not to embarrass him. Miles was a cuddly little guy when he was little...always right by my side, very lovey and there was a time when not a day went by that I didn't hear "you're the best mommy in the world". Long gone are those days...he now speaks with a deep, strong voice, he looks like a young man, and I'm lucky if I get a one armed hug now. Sometimes I seriously think that he is physically wrestling with his fight or flight response when I request/demand one. And that's ok...I'll take that one armed hug from my teenager who is really something of an old soul...but I miss those monkey hugs and all of that sweet little boy love. I know it's still in there, somewhere though. As he walked away from me, toward his friends and a pick up football game, I felt as if I were consciously focused on keeping my feet planted right on that spot, there in the church parking lot...resisting some insane maternal urge to tackle my kid and drag him back into my arms. I'm sure it won't be the last time that I feel that way. Letting my kids spread their wings is one of the hardest things ever, but it's coupled with such a strong sense of pride in them and joy for them. And so off he goes into the woods and I will be both thrilled for him and counting the days until he is back at home and safe with me.
Then...
...and now.
Have a safe trip my teenager...I love you.
